rant is where the heart is

diaryland: sirilyan.diaryland.com: entry for 2004-06-23 (13:30)
In which our plucky young hero never did like that Dr. Stupid.

And now, the Canadian federal election to date, in convenient playlet form.

Conservatives: The Liberals are goddamn shit-eating crooks who have scammed the entire damn country out of billions of dollars with their fraud and lying and cheating. Vote Conservative, because nobody likes lying, cheating, fraudulent, shit-eating crooks like the Liberals.

Liberals: Based on his lifelong right-wing activism, close ties to most of Canada's right-wing think tanks, and endorsement by Canada's right-wing national newspaper, we suggest the possiblility Stephen Harper might be a right-winger.

Conservatives: (clutching heart) And did we mention the Liberal attack dogs just can't stop calling their opponents names?

NDP: Come on, Canada. Do you really think either of these jerks are any different?

Greens: As some guy Shell hired to act in a commercial about renewable resources, I've been told that I look like a hippie. If you actually believed that commercial, vote Green!

Liberals: It's not like right-wingers have been that great for the provinces. Mike Harris, huh? Huh? Mike Harris?

NDP: What Canadians really want to know, Liberals, is why you support George W. Bush's nuclear moon lasers.

Conservatives: (incoherent, spittle-flecked sputtering, in which the word "McGuinty" may or may not be heard)

Bloc: Vive le Quebec l-- le Quebec. C'est tout. Le Quebec. (whispering to self:) Libre.

NDP: Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!

Liberals: Oh, and, uh, er. Hey, we've balanced the budget! We balanced the budget! Apparently Canada's budget wasn't balanced before we came along, and now it is. How about that? Pretty scatterbrained to forgot a thing like that, ha ha. Before us: big budget deficit. After us: big budget surplus. You can't argue with results.

Conservatives: That's pretty rich coming from the people who raped and murdered Holly Jones.

Canada: The hell!?

Conservatives: No, we mean the Liberals supported the rape and murder of Holly J-- no, wait, we just think they didn't care that Holly Jones got-- look, Holly Jones is dead and that's what matters. Shut up! Stop looking at me! (punches a reporter)

Liberals: (winking broadly to the audience) It's at times like this we need to remember that the Conservatives totally aren't social-conservative nutbars. That was the Alliance, who had goofballs from the planet Wacko like Stockwell Day and Rob Anders. These are the Conservatives, who are running sensible moderates like Rob Anders and Stockwell Day.

Conservatives: I said shut up! You Liberals are so unfair! Canadians won't stand for hatemongering, you pedophile-coddling con artists!

Liberals: Hey, we're just trying to help here. Can you say that again into this tape recorder?

Greens: We're at six percent! We're going to advance our cause bigtime, just like Ralph Nader did! (dances around hugging self) In another few years we'll be in government and then we'll be able to give millionaires and corporations massive tax cuts while doing next to nothing for the middle class! It's all right there in our platform!

Canada: Excuse me? What did you say, Greens?

Greens: We said yay environment.

Canada: So... we get to choose between the crooks, the radicals, the opposite radicals, the neoconservative environmentalists, and the separatists.

The Marxist-Leninist Communist Trotskyist Lenin-Based Marx-Reading Communism Parties Of Canada, All Eighteen Of Them, Who For Clear Ideological Reasons Cannot Merge: Goddammit!

Canada: I vote that right now, I need a drink.

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