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entry for 2002-03-05 (11:59:00)
In which our plucky young hero does it O-style.
If the Onion took outside submissions, I bet you'd see this one in next week's issue:
Daschle Kills Hastert, Becomes President of Mirror-Universe U.S.
WASHINGTON-- After a bloody knife fight on the Washington Mall, Tom Daschle is the new President of the United States, replacing former President Dennis Hastert. The two had recently quarreled after Hastert ruled out the use of nuclear weapons as a way to unseat Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.
According to live footage of the melee aired on CNN, Hastert's elite Secret Service cadre was incapacitated by Daschle's private guards, who appeared to be Swiss mercenaries. Daschle is well-known for his use of Swiss mercenaries, a habit that served him well as the junior (later senior) senator from South Dakota.
"The Swiss know only one loyalty: money," Daschle said in a statement moments after his grisly victory while stroking his goatee. "And the DNC has more money than any challenger. Let all who would challenge me quake in fear before their efficiency and skill."
This is the third change of presidency in as many months. It follows the apparent choking death of George W. Bush and the mysterious disappearance of Dick Cheney during a routine visit to the Salt Lake City Olympics. Investigations are still ongoing in both cases, and may lead to sentences of up to eight days in the federal agony booth if the assigned Secret Service agents are found incompetent.
Reaction among the Washington media has been uniformly positive to the new president. "If I say anything bad about President Daschle, he will have me killed," said conservative pundit Andrew Sullivan, nervously fingering his goatee. "Coincidentally enough, I have nothing bad to say about him." A similar tone was heard on CNN's "Crossfire", where both left-wing host James Carville and right-wing host Robert Novak agreed Daschle will kill anyone who gets in his way.
"He rules by terror," said Carville, tugging at his goatee. "This is what we need in a president right now, particularly with [terrorist group] al-Qaida reinvigorated by the replacement of Osama bin Laden with his second-in-command. Hastert was weak, and so was... replaced."
The White House was just as positive about the change of leadership. "I fully support our new president," said Vice-President (formerly Secretary of State) Colin Powell. "I am sure that his forceful, dynamic leadership will revitalize our country's economy and win the war on terrorism.
"Of course," Powell added, stroking his goatee, "if he dies, we all move up in rank."(Browse: previous or next. Notes: post or read.)
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