rant is where the heart is

diaryland: sirilyan.diaryland.com: entry for 2001-06-23 (14:37:00)
In which our plucky young hero opens the kimono.

Bet you didn't know I have a program I follow to write these things, did you? For your edification and entertainment, I share below the ten simple steps to turning out a sirilyan.diaryland.com entry:

1. Start with the word "so"! This is important. I can't overstate the importance of sounding conversational before you launch into your pointless bafflegab.

2. Music, music, music! Your readers expect you to talk about bad dance pop, obscure folk festival artists, and one-hit wonders. Do it. Quote lyrics if you have to, even if you have nothing else to say. Remember, when you write a sddldc comment, you are entering into a sacred trust.

3. Television! Friend, teacher, secret lover. You have just under one hundred cable channels to choose from, and thanks to that rich pageant you can spend almost twenty-four hours a day watching Simpsons reruns. Use this power for entertainment purposes only. Your readers will never know that it wasn't actually you who got a credit card for your dog and donated a kidney to your father.

4. So, what's in the news today? (Note use of rule 1.) Kooky headlines, stories with amusing typos in them, pictures of dogs smoking cigars, they're all grist for the mill! And by "grist for the mill" I mean "petty sniping"! Go ahead, take that screen capture. It's fun to mock the poor editing of others, especially since you never make that kind of mistak eyourself.

5. Cooking! Did you peel an apple? Tell the whole goddamn world! They love that sort of thing!

6. Travelogues! Did you go somewhere and have incredibly fascinating adventures that would make great reading? Well, you didn't bring a pad of paper with you to take notes, did you? So screw it. Talk about food again.

7. Abandon your previous goals! Did you want to write a four-part Japanese snack food saga, but you just haven't been in a snack food mood for weeks? Give it up! Did you want to turn codebastards into a world-spanning empire, but that'd take work? Screw it! Did you have an entry that was supposed to have a list with ten items, but you can only come up with seven? My friend, you know what to do.

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