rant is where the heart is

diaryland: sirilyan.diaryland.com: entry for 2001-05-13 (18:53:00)
In which our plucky young hero insta-piks for BIG CA$H!

Did you ever sit at home thinking to yourself, "Does the lotto have a magazine?"

If so, you're in luck, because I have Answers for you. And the Answer I have today is that if you live in Atlantic Canada, yes, yes it does.

Luck Magazine is your key to being a Winning Story of the Atlantic Lottery Commission, or as we used to call it back in Nova Scotia, the Magic Lottery Thingy That Gives Out Free Money.

We weren't very creative in Nova Scotia. I admit this.

Luck Magazine, which you will note can be downloaded in convenient PDF format from the ALC site, is a treasure trove of information. Just leafing through its pages gives you many valuable facts, among which are:

1. The frequency with which various numbers are drawn for all the lottery games offered by the Atlantic lottery Corporation.

2. People just like you win all the time!!!!

3. Historical records of previous draws.

4. Look at this new millionaire who is just like you only with a giant novelty cheque for millions of dollars!!!!

5. Subscription forms for various ticket-buying plans.

6. You know who doesn't buy tickets? Losers. You know who does? Winners!!!! Winners just like you!!!!

Note the new Atlantic Choice game. Those who are familiar at all with Las Vegas (or, if you feel downscale, Atlantic City) will note that this game is basically Keno. You will also note that the odds in Keno basically mean that you will have more fun and more chance of winning cash money if you play a game called Let's Burn Twenty-Dollar Bills In The Barbeque.

Perhaps this is a sign that lotto is growing up, and knows where the razzle-dazzle is. The lottery has, in fact, gotten a rather downscale, plebian reputation (as I cleverly foreshadowed with Atlantic City) in recent years. The Corporation faces increased competition from other, more social, less convenience-store-oriented forms of entertainment, like secular bingo, Indian casinos, and the dog track. These fierce competitors for the pissed-away dollar have whittled away at the traditional advantage of the lottery, namely it being run by the government so nobody can arrest them.

There was a time, believe it or not, when lotteries were a big deal, even in fun-deprived Atlantic Canada. Every weekend, a valuable half-hour chunk of actual prime time television would be dedicated to the A-Plus draw. (The "A" stood for "Atlantic", of course.) A half-hour of balls whirling in lottery machines, generating six-digit numbers that would lead to twenty-five thousand dollars of tax-free money for people just like you!!!! who are, of course, not you.

Can you imagine a half-hour lottery show running in prime time now? We barely have the attention span for a 90-second extended commercial. I know that I get antsy when a song runs over four minutes. And I'm supposed to watch a half-hour of balls whirling around in a lottery cage, without the chance to get free drinks from cocktail waitresses or scream "Bingo!" in the face of a pensioner? Screw it!

But don't let me ruin your fun, folks. Just look at that site! Look at the draw games and the scratch games and how the money goes to good causes in your very own community! Don't think of it as gambling. Think of it as a voluntary tax. A voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.

People just like you!!!!

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